“Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you’re really strangers” ~Mary Tyler Moore

In a few months now, my marriage will turn eight. I can’t help but wonder where the past eight years have gone. After all, eight years are still eight years… Lots of things can take place in eight years. Lots of things have happened in our eight years. So now, I am looking back and as I do, I hope to find answers to the questions that have been bugging me so long.

Press rewind. It was February 1998.  This was the month and year that he and I have become a couple. During that time, I have already broken up with my first boyfriend/first love for almost a year, but I was not really sure if I was really over him. I was almost jaded. I was not looking for a relationship, just someone who can make me blush, a constant companion and a regular movie date when my friends were not available.

I still remembered our first date, how he asked me out, what we talked about and how he made me feel. I already liked him long before he called, which is why I was ecstatic when I heard his voice at the end of the line asking me if we could watch a movie. I have already watched the movie he was planning to see with my girl friends few days before, but because I really liked him (and also the movie) and I wanted to be with him, I agreed to watch it again.

Towards the middle of the screening, he held my hand. It made me giddy and stupidly-happy. Good thing he was not able to see the smile in my face. When he brought me home, he opened the car door for me, gave me a rose and kissed my cheek when we said goodnight. He was a gentleman; but from then on, I knew that he is the opposite of my first boyfriend and I felt safe. I liked that because I was not looking for someone to fall in love during that time. I just wanted to have fun.

However, 24 hours later, we were a couple. I was still not in-love with him then nor was I seeing my future with him but somehow, I loved being with him, so I said “yes” when he asked me if I liked him. I was not really expecting a long-term relationship, just something to help me get by as I heal from my previous relationship which has deeply scarred me.

But somehow, fate has another plan for us. We have broken up a couple oftimes, but we still manage to get back together. Our first major quarrel was after our first year anniversary. We agreed that it was not working out and we decided to part ways. But after a couple of months, he was at my doorstep, asking me back and asking my mom if he can bring me home to his family for a few days for his aunt’s funeral. In their last conversation, she was asking about me.

We did get back together but our relationship was far from being smooth-sailing. We still fought and disagree on almost anything but if there was one thing, we agreed upon, it was the fact that we were both in love and we knew that we wanted to spend our lifetimes together.

Four years after, I was pregnant with our first baby. I have already sensed that something was changing but somehow, our love was still enough to keep us together. It was enough to make us want to hold on, despite everything.

I became weary each day but each time I saw him exert an effort to make “us” work, it warmed my heart and somehow it made me love him more. But a year after our son was born, he told me that he had to leave us and find himself.

I was left hurt, alone and lost. The pressure of my parents for us to get back together made it even worse. Around this time, I have built my life around him and our son. They are my life. Our family is my life. Then he took it away from me. I no longer know where to turn to or what to do. I was a young mom, jobless and now separated. I was fighting the urge to fall towards depression. I was thinking of my young child, he needed me to be strong.

Sometimes when I think about this phase in our life together, I have realized that I should not have gone back with him. But I was desperate to have my “ideal” family. I was also dependent on him. And my own family did not make it easy for me.

But then again, if I had not done what I did, I would not have my daughter now, whom I love so very much. Somehow, she made all my wrongs right.

Fast Forward: Today. Twelve years of being together. Eight years of marriage. Two adorable kids. Three dogs. Debts. Bills. Broken promises. Impending annulment.

From the outside, we seem to be a usual young couple dreaming and living together. However, in truth, we no longer have a *life* together. We no longer dream of *us.* There is no *us.*

Yes, we have plans for the kids. Most of them are similar, and they require us working together to make them real. However, when it comes to our relationship as a couple, we no longer talk about it. We have ceased to be a couple several years ago. I don’t exactly know when or what really happened, but somehow it did. When I first realized this, it made me so sad. But now, I have learned to accept the reality that sometimes, disappointing things do happen for no apparent reason at all. Through the years, I gained acceptance and learned to move on.

Or maybe, there is a reason. Maybe one of us or both of us got tired and gave up on the relationship.  Or maybe we have lost the love, altogether. But until now, I can’t really pinpoint what happened. We used to love strong and dream big. We wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. We talked of spending our old days holding hands.

Sometimes, I think that maybe raising a family took its toll on us. Maybe a family was not for us. Maybe we should have just remained a couple. But I know that I would not trade my kids for anybody. Not even for him, especially now. Thus, if losing him is the price I have to pay for my kids, I can accept it.

When I was much younger, I remember my mom always tells me that I can never really say that I love a person unless I know him well. During the first few years of our relationship, I have no doubt whatsoever, that I loved him.  I have proven and shown it too, not just to him but to other people as well.

I can vouch on the fact that despite not being love-at-first-sight, I learned to love him truly and deeply. For years, it was only him. I gave him everything and gave up everything for him. Nonetheless, I have to admit that during that time, I don’t know him much. I was on the process, though.  And I really did exert every effort to know him because I wanted to.

After twelve years together, somehow I can say that I really know him. I know his moods. I know what he likes and dislikes, what turns him on, what hurts him, what makes his day and what motivates him. But I don’t care anymore.  I now see him more like a stranger than the young man who held my hand inside a movie house 12 years ago.

So I’m ready to move on…. what now?

*****

Photo credits

“What Now” via www.thatguitarman.com

“Holding Hands”  via http://farm1.static.flickr.com

“Letting Go” via http://tickledbylife.com

“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection. ” ~Sigmund Freud

If there’s one day in a year that really makes me emotional, it is Father’s Day. This post took almost three weeks to finally come through. I kept thinking of one memory in my childhood that happened during Father’s Day but unfortunately, I have none.

I try to console myself to the possibility that it might have just slipped my mind. However, I know that when it is a moment with my Papa, I don’t forget. I remember every bit, both the good and the bad. That is how much I value and treasure my moments with my father especially those times I spent with him when I was still a young girl. I keep those memories both in my mind and in my heart and replay it over and over again, each time he is away (which happens more frequently).

I grew up fine, nonetheless, despite the fact that I missed having a father figure in my life. After all, I had a very strong mom. She made sure that she filled both parents’ roles in my life. She worked over-time. She parented me and my sister doubly hard.

Thus, I can say that I had a normal childhood. I have also been prepared to face the challenges of adulthood. Thanks to my mom. In fact, when I started living on my own right after college, I really thought that I have let go of my childhood dream of building a relationship with my father; my dream of being a “papa’s girl.”

However, ever since I had my daughter, that little girl in me was awaken. Each time I see my husband carry, play, and talk with our baby girl, I started to wonder if I had those moments with my father. He left to work abroad when I was a year old.

Lately, my daughter’s relationship with her daddy is blossoming and she is really becoming “daddy’s little girl.” And each time I see them cuddle and play or hear them talk, I feel a little girl again longing for a father in my life. Now more than ever, I realize how much I missed in my life because my father was not physically present when I was growing up.

And that little girl in me keeps on holding on to my life right now and to the marriage that has long been gone because I am so afraid to break a wonderful relationship between my daughter and her daddy. A friend told me that they can still continue loving each other even if my husband and I separate. Yes, they will. I know that. However, it won’t be the same.

I have been in that position before. I know it is still not the same to just know that you have a father and be with him when the circumstances permit it. I want my kids to wait for their father go home each night and to wake up beside him in the morning. I want them to learn and get used to having him in their lives and in their home.  I want it to be automatic for them to turn to him when mommy is not there. I want them to know that they have a mommy and daddy all the time, 24/7 and not just on weekends.

I know that my friend means well when she told me that all of these can still happen even if we do decide to part ways. I believe her too. Unfortunately, it did not happen in my own family. I grew up never knowing how it is to have a father. I learned to let  go of him without ever holding on. Hence, I do not want to take any chances with my children.

I know that I am a good mother. I try very hard to be the best that I can be to my two kids. But I also know that I can never be their dad. Thus, the reason why I decided to stay here even if I know that my complete happiness is somewhere else.

I am not giving up on the magic. I am not giving up on my dream for my self. But for now, until the time that I can have a better option, I will just content myself in seeing my daughter become the little girl I once hoped to be – a daddy’s girl. And someday when it is her turn to look back to her own Father’s Day with her Daddy, I hope she will have a lot of good memories that will make her smile.

*****

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes… ~Gloria Naylor

(Image courtesy of www.elainehughes.com)

I love looking at clouds, even if they hurt my eyes each time….

I have never been fond of the outdoors, even as a child. I would rather stay indoors, lie on my bed and read a good book. But there are two things that have always made me go outside — clouds during the day and stars at night.

Even when I became a mom, I never outgrow them. I still remember when my son was still a toddler, we always stop to watch clouds form into something fantastic during our morning walks around the subdivision. At night, we would also gaze  and wish upon the stars together.

My daughter is more passionate about them. As young as three, she looks for constellations among the stars. Now, she enjoys taking pictures of clouds.

We are lucky to a good view in our condo unit. During the day, we witness the sun rises, clouds move and form and sun sets in the afternoon. At night, we also have a good view of the stars and if we’re lucky, we’ll even have a chance to take a peek of the full moon.  We can do all these at the comfort of our living room. I can do all these while I sit in front of my computer.

During these past few weeks, I have rekindled my love for clouds because they are really amazing. It now becomes a habit to take pictures.

At any given time, I would rather go up and lie down on clouds. It has been my ultimate wish ever since I started watching Care Bears. It seems to be so peaceful up there. But since it is not possible, I just try to capture their beauty through the lens of my camera.

Below are some of the pictures my daughter and I have taken over the past week. These shots have been taken from our living room window, same spot each time, but never once that it was the same cloud. In a blink of an eye, their formation changes. But they remain beautiful every time.

That is the reason why I like clouds so much. They are the least boring thing I know. They change, re-form, and move but they never lose their beauty nor their identity. Even when they are the darkest, there is still beauty in them. When one only see nimbus clouds, there is still a glimpse of the sun. This is the assurance of a much brighter hour or day ahead.

Thinking about it, we can learn so much about life just by looking at clouds.  And just like them, life can be beautiful, despite everything, if we just open our eyes and look hard … even if it hurts our eyes…

*****

I am the daughter of Earth and Water,
And the nursling of the Sky;
I pass through the pores of the ocean and shores;
I change, but I cannot die.
For after the rain when with never a stain
The pavilion of Heaven is bare,
And the winds and sunbeams with their convex gleams
Build up the blue dome of air,
I silently laugh at my own cenotaph,
And out of the caverns of rain,
Like a child from the womb, like a ghost from the tomb,
I arise and unbuild it again.

The Cloud
Percy Bysshe Shelley

I was really happy when I was hit by my magical friend Lori (a.k.a @loripop326) in a musical game of tag.

First, because I know that it would be fun. I have read their movie tag game and really liked their posts.

Second, because it gave me a reason to come back to my playground and play. Work and Mommy-duties have been keeping me away for several days and I am really missing it. I have started several would-be posts but right now, they are all in the draft folder waiting to be published.

Third and last reason is that I love music. Music is part of my everyday life. I don’t really sing except in school programs and church choir when I was much younger, never sang solo, though. I have neither the voice nor the courage. I studied guitar, drums and piano years ago, but I never advanced from reading tabs and chords. Unfortunately, I never learned to play any of them.

Nevertheless, I can still say that I am a “musical person” because I  love and appreciate music. My day would not be complete if I don’t listen to my favorite songs. I might have a very limited taste since most of my favorites are the mellow type love songs. However, I am still open to other genres, as long as the words are good and I can understand them. The lyrics mean more to me than the melody and rhythm. And they mean more if someone special gives or dedicates it to me.

Another thing about me and music is that I have a song for almost every person who touches my life or every event I have experienced. And each time I hear this particular song, I remember the person and the memories come back. Music truly plays a big part of my life.

Song number ONE: Butterfly Kisses. This song never fails to make me cry. Every word sends pain in my heart. Until now, I still feel that I am somehow incomplete because I do not have any childhood memories with my father and because I never really developed a relationship with him. That hurts so much. Even now.

My parents are not separated but my father has been away when I was growing up. He left to work abroad when I just one year old. My mom, my younger sister and I were left at home. My mom was the one who raised us all by herself. I love and admire her. She is truly an amazing and strong woman, but she is not my “Papa.” She has tried to be both, I know (and I will be forever grateful), but she can never replace him. That does not make her incompetent; it is just how it is. But I am still thankful that I have a mom who did everything to be a mother and a father to us. Now that I am a mommy myself, I adore and respect her more.

Despite the maturity, acceptance and understanding, unfortunately, there is a part of me that still longs  and hopes for my “papa” and that part of me still wishes for butterfly kisses…

Song number TWO: Power of Two.  This is my song to my son. The moment I confirmed that, I was pregnant and during the first few years of motherhood, I have always felt that it was just him and me. I was already living on my own, but still unmarried when I got pregnant and at night as I lie in bed all alone, afraid and uncertain and as I look at my tummy growing or feel my leg cramping or my back aching, it was the ”power of two” that kept me going. When his dad left us and walked away from us when my son was a month away from first birthday, it was again the “power of two” that I held on to.  It was also the “power of two” that made me hope that things would be better if my hubby and I get back together to build the family we once dreamt.

My hope is that when my son grows up and faces the harsh realities of life and adulthood, I could share with him the “power of two” to guide, support and make him strong.

Song number THREE: Where You Lead, I Will Follow. This is Gilmore Girl’s theme song. It is my most favorite television series. It is the only series that I have watched from the start until the end and I continue to watch until now – I have the complete DVD collection. I love the drama, I love the comedy, I love plot, I love the conflicts, I love the tragic but very real love stories but I love the Lorelai and Rory’s mother-daughter bonding the most.

Hence, this becomes my song for my daughter. I love my daughter so much. She is not a mini-me, she does not even look like me but she is an amazing little person. I  know she will grow up a much better person than me. And for a mom, that makes me so happy and proud.  My only wish is that no matter how old we both are and wherever life brings her, we will not lose our mother-daughter bond. It is such a special bond.

Song number FOUR: Beautiful in my Eyes. You’re my peace of mind in this crazy world. You’re everything I’ve tried to find, your love is a pearl…. The world will turn and the seasons will change, and all the lessons we will learn will be beautiful and strange.

I consider this as the most romantic song ever. Ever. And it has always been my ultimate wish that a guy would sing it to me, in acoustic version.

Several guys have dedicated and sung nice love songs for me. Others have even serenaded me before(complete with the piano and the guitar) but none of them have sung this song to me.

I am still waiting.

Song number FIVE: My Family’s Just Right for Me. I don’t really know why but I really enjoy listening to children’s songs and nursery rhymes. Sometimes I enjoy it more than my kids do. Maybe it is the child in me, or the pre-school teacher in me or the mommy in me, but I really enjoy hearing children’s songs and watching children’s shows and cartoons. I can spend my day watching Barney, Looney Toons, Care Bears, Disney movies, Mickey Mouse, and the likes. I enjoy their songs even more. Maybe it is one of the reasons why I survived the early years of being a stay-at-home mom and I was able to keep a little sanity intact.

But among the children’s songs that I like, Barney’s “My Family’s Just Right for Me” is my favorite.  I like the chorus part, “Oh, a family is people and/ A family is love, /That’s a family./They come in all different sizes and different kinds, /But mine is just right for me…” And this is one of the most important lessons that I want to teach my kids. Even if their daddy and I separate, we will always be a family. They will always have a family. And it is a family that is right for them because we love them.

Song number SIX: Airplane. I am not fond of rap songs. I don’t even consider them songs. Sorry for rap lovers, it’s just my opinion. But I really like B.O.B’s collaboration with Eminem and Hayley for this particular lines, “Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now…”

Dreamer. Believer. Idealist. These are the adjectives that best describe me. I believe in magic, in fantasies and fairy tales coming true, in happy-ever-after. I love daydreaming and I still wish on stars. I honestly don’t know how real my beliefs are. I won’t even defend my beliefs to skeptics and non-believers. But I would continue believing on these ideals because they make me feel good, they help me hang on, they make me hope and most especially, they make my everyday existence more live-able and a lot better.

Thus, I would continue to believe.

Song number SEVEN: I finally found someone. This is one of the songs that really affects my mood and sends butterflies in my stomach. Unfortunately, I seem to have not yet found the “someone” in my  life until now.  Nevertheless, I still like this song because it brings back memories of my first love. This is our theme song. We did not watch the movie together, but he gave me this song and told me that he has found his someone in me. His words still make me smile until now. Remembering him and all the memories we have shared give me a light-hearted feeling. I am happy that I am over the pain and the grudge I used to feel towards him. Now I can look back and just savor the memories.

Maybe given a different time, place and circumstances, we could have been really each other’s “someone.” But I have now accepted the reality that there’s a different plan for us. But whatever happens in my life and no matter how much I change, I know that he will have a place in my heart. They say that first love never dies. It is very true for me. I may love him in a much different way now, but I love him still and he will forever remain someone special to me.

Song number EIGHT: All my life. This is supposed to be my husband and I’s theme song. But I doubt if he knows or even remembers that. I was the one who gave this song to him because this is what I really felt for him. I dedicated every word and every line of the song for him. Everything was true. That was how much I loved him. I was willing to spend the rest of my life with him. I even gave him my life. But he seemed not to like it so now I am on the process of taking it back.

I now know that it is not right to give one’s life to another person. And no matter how much I love someone, it is wise and necessary not to forget to love myself. I have learned that the hard way, thus, the next time I fall in love, I hope to remember that. Maybe things would turn out a lot better if I do.

Song number NINE: Kissing you. I love kissing but I love hugging more. I think that a sweet embrace is much more romantic than a French kiss.

I love this song because of the movie. I love Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet – the book and the movie adaptations. I was taking a Shakespeare class when DiCaprio’s movie was shown and it made me appreciate it more and understand it better.

But this song means so much more to me because it brings back college memories. I love my college days, they are the best times of my life. I found my best friends and sisters while I was there. And I will forever wish to go back, even for a day…

Song number TEN: Beauty and Madness. One of my all-time favorites. And this is how I can best describe my life and myself – full of beauty and madness. As I grow old and grow up, I learn to value my life and myself more. Right now, I am on the process of re-loving my life and re-discovering myself and I am having a grand time doing both. More than ever, I am more determined to seize each day and I am committed to do everything that would make me have the least regrets by the time I am 80 years old.

That is my playlist and the 10 random facts about me associated with each song. I hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing this one.

And since this is a tagging game, I would like to ask the following to write 10 musical facts about them.

@jennyablue at loversandwreckers simply because I adore my twin-sister.

@mizz_ara at MizzAra’s blog because I know she needs an outlet to express herself, like me.

@BarryckR at I live, I dance, I dream because I want to know more about his life, dreams and passions.

@magicplum at magicplum’s blog because I love looking at her picture in her blog. I also want to know what else we can share aside from virtual pancakes, love for children and psychology.

The most important of life’s battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul.
- David O. McKay

Today is one of those days for me. I woke up feeling so lonely. So sad. So low. So depressed.

There is no particular reason. I guess that makes it even harder for me to deal with it or to explain it to other people.

It is so many things combined. Or maybe, it is my uncertainty that is making me really sad. I can’t clearly pinpoint what caused me to feel this way; hence, I don’t know how or where to start “fixing” it. Or if I want to fix it.

After all, I’m not broken. I am just a depressed. I feel this overwhelming sadness at times and the feelings tear me up inside. But after a while, I get over it and I am fine again. Most of the time, I am fine. I move on, until I feel it again.

Today, I decided to deal with the pain and the emptiness I feel the way I know how — be with my friends. Talking to my friends is therapeutic to me. But I don’t tell them what I really feel. I’m afraid that if I do, I would burden them.  It feels worse to realize that I have burdened someone, especially a friend.

Therefore, I spent the day with them and tried to ignore what I feel inside. This is what I usually do in times like this. Unfortunately, instead of facing my loneliness and embracing the pain that I feel, I choose to escape and deny it by pretending that everything is fine. All throughout the day, I convince myself that I am doing good. I, myself almost believe it.

But escaping is only temporary, I should know that.  Now that my kids are already asleep, the friends all gone, television has been turned off and it’s all dark and quiet outside, the emptiness I feel comes back. I can no longer escape it. Now I have to face it alone.

It is at this moment that I realize that inside me, I am still calling for help. I am still longing for someone to understand my pain. Someone who would listen to my longings and sadness but won’t judge me as being ungrateful of all the blessings in my life.

I long for a person who would just hold my hand and let me lean on his shoulder when I cry. The one who would fight the urge to give a sermon or remind me how blessed I am or tell me to cheer up, when I start to rant and to express my confusions and inadequacies.

I am fully aware of how beautiful my life is. Despite all my worries and heartbreaks, I know that I still have more to be thankful for. And I am eternally grateful for what I have.

Despite that, I still do experience this bouts of depression a lot. I get so lonely and I am clueless of what to do. Should I apologize for feeling this way? Am I being an ingrate for entertaining these negative emotions?

I am a strong person, I have no doubt. I have proven it so many times. I have a strong tolerance to pain, both emotional and physical. Therefore, does my admittance to depression makes me otherwise? Will it make people think less of me? I sincerely hope it won’t, but I know the truth and it is a disappointing realization.

All my life I have been denying my depression. Only a handful knows about it. Sadly, none of them has really accepted me for it. Most of them, even use it against me at my lowest point. It is so sad. They make me feel so unworthy just because I have the guts to admit that I feel one of the most common human emotions.

Each of us feels  loneliness at some point in our lives. Maybe I just feel it a little stronger than most. Well, I am always like that. I really feel more than most people. Maybe it is my curse, but I see it more like a blessing. I think that by being me, I get to experience life to the fullest, without any (or the least) regrets, whatsoever. I also know people better and I also have a better chance to show the real me to them.

It’s hard to feel or be unconventional at times. But a friend of mine is right. We should really be more passionate to breakdown the stigma of loneliness and believe that we can indeed help each other. This world would surely be a much better and friendlier place if that happens.

Reading Finding Melissa‘s blog gave me more courage to face my depression, instead of denying, ignoring and escaping it. Her honesty makes me appreciate myself more in spite of my emotional battles. She inspires me to deal with my loneliness bravely and next time I see sadness coming, I will embrace it gladly. I know that she won’t stay long anyway. Come morning, I would be back to my usual “happy” self.

Making the decision to have a child-it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

–Elizabeth Stone

June is like January to me. Ever since I was a child I see June as a new beginning, a new start, a new year. June is when classes start in our country. I have always considered it as a new chance to start over and make a new beginning. And it’s not just in terms of academics but in life, in general.

Few more weeks, it’s June already. And this time, it would be more meaningful for me. Both my kids are going to school. My son is in his second grade and my daughter is Junior Casa (pre-school). I am both excited and a little bit sad. I would surely miss them while they are in their respective classes.

I can’t believe my kids are really growing. Yes, I know that I have spent the last eight years by their side–taking care of them, loving them adoring them and watching over them. I am the typical hands-on and stage mommy who never leaves her kids’ side and present in every milestone. But still, I wonder where the years have gone. Or if I afforded them good memories in the past eight years. I sure hope so! It’s my ultimate goal as a parent — to give them happy childhood memories that they would want to look back to when they are  adults. Unfortunately, I did not have many of those in my own childhood.

I have two of the most wonderful kids (every mom does, I know!). I really do and other people have told me so too. They are kind, smart and loving. They made me believe that indeed, tomorrow will be better and more beautiful. They made me hope stronger. They made me care deeper. They made me love truer. They made my life more meaningful. And they made me a much better person.

They are the reasons why I keep holding on and trusting even if everything and everyone else tell me otherwise.  They may not have solved all my worries and problems, but because of them I have the courage and strength to wake up every morning and face everything that will come my way. I don’t care if the rest of the world fuck up in front of me, as long as I have my kids, I believe that everything would work out fine in the end. And as long as I am holding their hands, I would stick around until the end, no matter how hard.

Anybody who knows me is aware how much my kids have influenced my life. They are my greatest influencers. They are the biggest part of my life. They are my life.

Being the biggest part in my being, the realization that they are growing up is affecting me. It is making me sentimental. It is making me sad. But most especially, it is making me excited.

I am excited for my kids. This would be my son’s second year in his school, with his classmates. He would no longer be the new boy. I homeschooled him during the past two years of his pre-school, so last school year was a big adjustment for him. It’s his first time in a big school. It’s his first time to be away from mommy for six hours.

I am excited for my daughter too. She is the true-blooded homeschooler — since birth. Thus, this year would be her first time in a “real” school — in her own classroom, with her own classmates. She would no longer wait for her brother to finish his class, she’ll have her own class and her own set of friends. I can feel her happiness  each time she opens her new school bag. I admire her for being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

And I am excited for myself. This would be the first time in the past eight years that I will have three-hours each day from Mondays through Fridays all by myself.  Yes, I know it’s not much. Some might even think I’m over-reacting. But that’s because you haven’t been in my shoes, you have no idea of  how my life has been and how my life is right now.

Just imagine yourself as a work-at-home mommy, with no maid, no relatives nearby, and a husband who works from Monday to Saturday (leaves at 5am and goes home at 11pm). I am practically all alone in raising my kids. I am literally, and most of the time emotionally, alone.

Three hours are still three hours. Even if I might spend that time hanging in the school canteen waiting for their dismissal, talking to other parents, creating worksheets/activities for them, or meeting with their teachers (I am a class rep and a PTA officer). In short, I might still spend those three hours doing something for my kids. It’s fine. I am a mommy, that’s expected of me. It’s my ultimate role and my primary job. It is me. And it will be ME for the rest of my life.

But those three hours all by myself will mean so much to me. It would mark as a milestone in my life as a mother. It will give me some time to breathe, to relax, to rest, to work, to study, to catch up with old friends, to make new friends, to pursue my interests, to rediscover myself, to recharge my life and yes, even to tweet.

I am aware that it will take some time for me to accomplish everything that I plan and want to do because I will just have three hours. But three hours is just the start. Next year, I will have half day all by myself. Soon, I will have the whole day then without noticing, I will have months all by myself.  I surely dread that from happening! I dread the time when I would no longer be my kids’ constant date, when they would no longer be spending Saturday nights with me, and when we would no longer have cuddle-times in the mornings.

But for now I will anticipate June and when it comes I will enjoy the three hours that I have each weekday. I have been in a situation wherein I was inside the house without any adult interaction at all in one whole day. Or the only ones I’ve interacted with are guards, salesladies, cashiers, laundrymat ladies, and taxi drivers. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against these people. I respect them, they are the ones who make my life easier but just imagine what kind of conversations I was having.

During these times, my only consolation is the fact that my kids will grow up.

It is the same thing I tell myself each time I see pictures of my college sisters’ get together and I am not there (again!). Or  when I was not able to attend my elementary and high school reunion because there is nobody to watch over my kids. Or when I got an invitation from an MA classmate for her Master’s graduation party. We were together in freshmen orientation, now she has an MA degree in her resume and I don’t.

During these times, I remind myself, my kids will grow up and I will have time to see all my old friends  and finish my Master’s degree. Even pursue a PhD!

It is the same assurance that kept me going as I observe my former classmates and batchmates climb the corporate ladder, open a school, or travel abroad. The kids will grow up and I will have my own time to realize my personal goals and dreams.

As I’m writing this, the reality of that statement is becoming more real to me. As I look at my kids sleeping in the other room, I have no doubt, that indeed, they are no longer babies. As I glance at their big school bags beside me,  I feel the near-ness of June. And as I anticipate its coming, my mixed emotions are becoming stronger and clearer.

*******

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

~Kahlil Gibran

Life may not always be lovely, but it can still be a beautiful ride….

I read this somewhere on the web. Revised it a bit, though. But, the message is still the same. And its true-ness remains.

I, personally, can attest the reality of these words. In my 31 years, I’ve had my fair share of life’s downs. Sometimes, especially when I was much younger, it seemed that I will never get up again. But I did. I always did. And I will always do.

Every time, I get up, life becomes sweeter and more meaningful. The ride does get better. I become more inspired and invigorated to live my life. I even feel invincible. The feeling that I can face and tackle anything that comes my way.

I am the type of person who thrives in pain, in conflict, in problems, in trials, in disappointments and in heartbreaks. As I get older, I learn to appreciate myself more because of this. I am proud of the fact that I have the ability to take so much pain and remain positive about life in general. I always see the glass as half-full.  I still believe in the beauty of life and the goodness of all people, despite everything.

But this does not mean that I don’t get hurt. Life experiences have scarred and battered  me so  many times. In fact, some of the wounds are still on the process of healing right now. But even if life has left me injured, I am never helpless. Even though I admit sometimes, when I am at my lowest point, I feel that I won’t make it up (yes, I’m a drama-princess!) but somehow, I always do.

Somehow, I always find the way up, after sometime. And when I do, I start trusting and loving again. I believe that life is beautiful, in spite the pain. Then, I find the courage to seize life, ready and more prepared to get hurt and experience life’s disappointments.

In time, I have accepted the reality that life is full of pain. And yes that it is unfair! Especially if the one who is causing your misery is someone whom you love, care and trust.  This is the moment when one sees death as a better option. But never will it be! Yes, even if life will never, ever be fair. It can even be crazy and out of control and most of the time painful but what the heck!

Life is never going to be fair. Unfortunately, this is a reality we all have to live with. But, this does not mean that we can’t have beautiful memories and experiences while we’re riding in it.  Thus, problems, troubles and heartaches are not reasons to whine and get pissy over life. Or even a justification to end it. Instead, each of us should just learn to live with it,  accept it, move on and savor every chance at beauty and happiness that life affords us.

Because even if life is unfair and there are so many meanies in this world, life can still be a beautiful ride. But only if we are willing to see the beauty of life in spite of our tears and its potential of being whole in spite of its brokenness.

Let us enjoy the ride!

****

Every life it seems
Has storms that it brings
When lightening streaks the sky
And thunder drums from up high

When your storm moves in
Just trust in Him
In the storms roar
Take shelter in the Lord

~Poulson~

That’s the thing with magic. You’ve got to know it’s still here, all around us, or it just stays invisible for you. ~Charles de Lint

This post has been inspired by one of my Twitter friends, Lori (@loripop326). If you want to read her post, here it is. It might also bring magic into your life and get you inspired to write your own blog. Or at least make you appreciate and realize the reality of magic. Her piece has certainly brought magic back into mine.

Honestly, I am not so into reading blogs other than those, which I already receive in my email weekly. Most of this are parenting/mothering blogs. However, one thing I learned from Twitter is to click the links and read it before I re-tweet them, especially if a friend wrote it. Thus, considering the amount of time I tweet and RT, I can say that I have read several blogs by now but Lori’s will always be one of my favorites because her posts are real, heart-warming and fun to read.

Sometimes when I am too tired and too lazy to read, I just re-tweet everything I like, then favorite them and read them later on. Point is, I try to read everything. After all, it is the second reason why I am in Twitter and my justification that it is not a waste of time –because of the learning I get from it. My first reason, is of course, the friendships. Those are also magical, but I will reserve that topic for another post

Anyway, this post would be about magic. No, it is not the magic “abrakadabra” style. Or the hanky-turning-bunny-inside-a-hat. Not even Harry Potter’s swish-and-flick. This would be about real, true-to-life magic. The one that puts smile in your face. Something that frees the butterflies in your tummy. That thing that makes you hopelessly want to be a better person because you believe that it is going to be a beautiful world. That is magic. In its truest sense.

I am a firm believer of magic. Of fairy tales. Of ever-afters. Of happy-endings. I believe all these because I want to. Because they make me feel good. Because they make my life better. But mostly because I am a mom and I know that magic would bring a better and happier tomorrow for my kids.

Yes, these beliefs, might have caused me pain too. They might have caused me lots of trouble. But I won’t do anything differently.  Or maybe I would. I would do many things differently but  I will still believe in magic.

I will forever believe in magic because in my three decades of life, magic has been so real to me. I can still remember most of them until now, despite the years. No matter how long they have been, I still smile when I think of these magical memories in my life.

• Meeting someone for the first time and knowing it is love, just by looking in his eyes.
• Talking for hours and falling in-love underneath the star-filled night sky.
• Seeing each other again after being apart for years and with just one look, realizing that the old feeling is still there.
• First kiss. First embrace.
• First heart break.  (It’s magical even if it hurts).
• Meeting someone new, on the exact time when I am about to give up on love.
• Spending each day, without any cares, just holding hands and dreaming of your lifetime together.
• Kissing for the first time.
• Dreaming and wishing that our life together would start soon.
• Hearing our baby’s first heartbeat.
• Seeing and feeling my baby move inside my tummy.
• Watching  my tummy grow and realizing that there’s life growing there.
• Seeing my baby for the first time. Hearing him cry. Feeling his soft body next to mine. (This moment is the most magical time in my life).
• Feeding my baby for the first time.
• Knowing how to breastfeed, to bathe, to care, to love and to satisfy my baby even if I know that I really don’t have the slightest idea what I am doing. Somehow, motherhood & mothering came naturally to me, and that feels magical.
• Seeing my baby’s first smile, first crawl, first walk.
• Hearing my baby’s first word.
• My baby’s first kiss, first embrace and first “I love you, Mommy!”
• My kids’ kisses, hugs and I love you’s.

Making my list of magical moments makes me think of what Lori wrote, in response to my comment to her post, that the “most magical times are tied to love.” Indeed, they are.

Unfortunately, though, as years gone by, my life has become routinary. Due to lack of sleep and a failing marriage, somehow I forgot all about the magic. My body was always tired, my mind too preoccupied and my heart breaking into pieces, I have lost the magical feeling.  It was sad, but I couldn’t care less to notice or give a damn. I was trying so hard to save the marriage, take care of the kids and keep my sanity intact, I did not notice that by living as such, I was already losing myself and my life’s potentials.

I used to fool myself that if I feed my kids at least 3 times (sometimes 7 times) a day, keep them clean, make sure that they won’t get sick, teach them ABC’s and 123′s, read them the Bible, let them play, buy the best educational toys, provide them their needs, hug them, kiss them, and tell them I love you at least once at a day, I am already doing enough. That I am already being the best mommy that I can be. But I was wrong. I was so wrong. And I am glad that I realized this early on, when I still have time to correct my mistakes and indeed be the best Mommy that I can be. After all, they deserve that. I have always considered them to be God’s greatest gifts to me.

I admit that after the realization, the transition is not easy. I have been so used to the routines that breaking away really took some effort. And it is still an effort until now. But because I know that it’s worth it, I am willing to do everything necessary to bring magic back into my life again.

I am the kid who have always believed that I am a princess. That I deserve nothing but the best. So by contenting myself with this so-called life of mine that is magic-less, I am being unfair to myself. I know I deserve better and I am now determined to have that, sooner than later.

Funny thing is it took two persons whom I have never even met yet, at least not in person, to make me realize that. I guess, that in itself is magic.

*******

Capt. Crewe: You know, dolls make the very best friends. Just because they can’t speak doesn’t mean they don’t listen. And did you know that when we leave them alone in our room, they come to life?
Sara Crewe: They do?
Capt. Crewe: Yes! But before we walk in and catch them, they return to their place as quick as lightning!
Sara Crewe: Why don’t they come to life in front of us so we can see them?
Capt. Crewe: Because it’s magic. Magic has to be believed. It’s the only way it’s real.

“Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.” ~Margaret Peters

Time is powerful. Time is magical. Time is ethereal.

Time creates new realities, provides new possibilities and gives better options.

Time can make you realize who really matters and who never did. Time can make you see things clearly. Time can make you accept and forget.  Time changes people and circumstances.

As I grow older, one of the wisdom I have gained is to trust on the reality that time would  fix everything, one way or the other. It is either that as time goes by, I would be able to accept things and learn to live and grow with them or things change according to what I want and hope them to be.

This wisdom has helped me survive and thrive amidst so many trials and disappointments I had experienced. This is the same wisdom that I will continuously hold on to as I journey through life.

Right now, the promise of time is the only thing  I cling on to. It seems to be the only thing permanent in my life. I might have lost a lot lately but I still have time. And I will make use of that time–to the best that I can.

****

“raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare” ~ed asner

I sent most of my greetings the day before. Now I am doing my blog on motherhood the day after. This is just like me. I have always liked doing things differently. I have a different schedule. At any given time, I would choose unconventional over the generally accepted norm. But in truth, I can’t just really do everything in one day. After all, a mom’s 24 hours is rather short  considering all the things that she has to do. And I am a MOM. A full time-mom. I have been one for almost eight years now.

Nevertheless, I spent Mother’s day embracing motherhood, appreciating my role in this world and reflecting on my responsibilities to my kids.

I love being a mom. Ever since I was young, it’s my dream to be a mom. I have one of the best moms. She is not perfect and she makes me crazy most of the time but I love her so much and I am forever grateful for all her sacrifices, hard work and love.  I have always wanted to do the things she has done for us to my own kids. And more.

I haven’t been the best daughter to her. I haven’t said “I love you” or “Thank You” much; we were not brought up that way. But in my own little way, I have shown her how much I love her. I am me because of her. I am the kind of mother I am right now through the things she has taught me, both intentional and unintentional.

My mother “do” things rather than say it. Growing up, I cannot remember her saying “I love you” but never once did I doubt her love. Even during the time of our falling-out period, I know that she loves me. Even when words were no longer spoken, I know that the love is still there. I know that I can never run away from the tie that binds me to her, no matter how far I try to go.

It seemed that since I reached adulthood, she has never agreed with most of  my decisions. She is passionate about traditions. I go out of the box and make my own traditions. It never pleased her. Things between us have been conflicting.

But nevertheless, I know that she is proud of me. Of who I become. Of what I do. Of my potentials. Of the kind of mommy I am.

I learned from her. My mom remains my inspiration. Remembering how strong she has been to keep our family together is the source of my strength. And even if I have done most things in my life differently, I have deep respect for her. She will always be my mom. And I love her.